The Marvelous Adventures of Zechariah Holmlund

Happy Birthday!

2006-04-25T21:45:00.000+02:00

Zach wanted to send a special birthday present to his Grandpa Kao whose birthday it is today. (Since he is only 4 1/2 months old, he asked me to help him.) Happy Birthday, Grandpa!

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You're never fully dressed...

2006-04-22T20:50:00.000+02:00

... without a smile!

Reach out and grab someone

2006-04-18T19:27:00.000+02:00

Lately, I have been amazed at how fast Zach is learning and changing. Just a week ago, he was reaching for stuff but still consistently missing the object of his interest, but tonight I held out his rattle to him and he grabbed it right away and started shaking it. What a kid! He's also started figuring out how to hold things with both hands in order to better maneuver them towards his mouth--the eventual goal of everything he touches these days.

"I wonder what that frog tastes like..."
"Hm... a lot like chicken..."

"... also like chicken ..."

" ... a bit like chicken..."

"... like purple chicken..."

Speaking of how much Zach is changing, we got to spend some time with a 5-week old baby yesterday while visiting with the Holwerf family in the Netherlands (Davy Holwerf is a pastor in Siddiburen who also comes to the library regularly for his dissertation research). I don't know what surprised me more: how tiny a 5-week-old baby is or the fact that I have already forgotten how tiny a 5-week old baby is! I know that Zach was definitely that tiny at one point not that long ago, but I already can barely remember it.

It's also fun to watch Zach's personality emerging little by little. He definitely does not seem to be a natural multi-tasker. He gets really fixated on learning how to do one thing and once he feels like he's got it down, he won't do it again for weeks and weeks. A couple weeks ago it was blowing spit bubbles. All day long, he'd make this motorboat sound with his mouth and make bubbles. Then it was rolling from his back to his tummy. Now it's trying to get things into his mouth (although I think this one might last for a while).

In other news, Zach's second tooth has broken through! Personally, I'm ready for a little break from this teething thing, but I guess I don't really get a vote. We think that Zach's recent sleeping problems are related to the teething, but it's hard to say. In any case, we decided this past weekend that it was finally time to let him "cry it out" in the hopes that he might learn how to put himself back to sleep. I was really hoping to avoid this particular "sleep training" method, especially since we all sleep in the same bedroom, but it was actually not as bad as I thought it would be. He did cry for an hour on Saturday night at his normal 2:30am wake-up call, but it never got really hysterical and the next night, he put himself back to sleep after just a couple minutes of crying! He's also been much better at going down for naps. Yay! He is still waking up at 4:30am, though, and I'm not really sure if he actually does need to eat at that time or what. For now, I'm just happy to be getting up only once a night again instead of 3 or 4 times. :)

Laughing it up

2006-04-13T21:57:00.000+02:00

We caught this video of Zach laughing a couple of nights ago and just had to share it. It may take a while to download depending on your connection, but if you want to watch something pretty darned cute, it's worth it!

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Four Months!

2006-04-09T19:43:00.000+02:00

Looking back on the last four months, I can definitely say that taking care of a four-month old is a LOT easier than taking care of a one-month old. Things that I appreciate so much more than I ever thought possible:

Zach's smiles. I love every single one of them, whether they're directed towards me, someone else, or no one in particular!
The fact that he is so much easier to console now when he gets upset. I used to feel so helpless when he would just cry and cry and I couldn't figure out how to help him. Thankfully, that happens a lot less frequently now.
How much easier it is to actually SEE how much he's learning from day to day. I know that he was learning a ton in the first few weeks, too, but it wasn't as obvious to me as now. Then he was figuring out stuff like "objects that move are different from objects that stay still"; now, he's learning how to grab things and stick them in his mouth.

In other news, Zach had his first experience in a swimming pool yesterday! Saturday mornings are designated baby swimming times in the local indoor kiddie pool and they make the water extra warm for the babies. All things considered, he did really well and stayed in the water with his daddy holding him tight for about 20 minutes before deciding he'd had a enough. We're looking forward to going again next Saturday.

We've also discovered this week that Zach is starting to respond to tickling! (This makes it a lot easier to get pictures of him smiling.) When I start tickling his tummy, he breaks out in a big smile and does this sort of "heh, heh" guffaw - it's so cute!

A not so good piece of news, however, is that now that Zach is a formula-only baby, he is unfortunately having to deal with the C-word. (Hint: starts with a C and ends with -onstipation.) The poor thing. Then, when I tried to give him some prune juice on Friday morning, well, let's just say that it did not go over well. Nor did the apple juice I tried after that. I'll keep trying over the next couple of days, though, and hopefully he'll get more used to it. Anybody out there have any other suggestions?

By far our most exciting news of all, though, is that Zach slept through the entire night, meaning from 11:00pm-7:30am, for the very first time a couple nights ago. I was so shocked, especially because the couple nights before that he'd been waking up every hour or so starting at 3am. He did wake up several times again last night, but I'm still hopeful that this could be the start of something very, very good. :)

Mission Accomplished!

2006-04-05T13:13:00.000+02:00

Zach successfully made it through his first round of immunizations, and with flying colors, if I do say so myself. He cried when he first got pricked, but then calmed down after only about 15 seconds or so! The hardest crying actually came about 10 minutes before the shot because it was time for his first nap and he wasn't getting it. The doctor said that sometimes when babies are crying hard already, they don't feel the shot as much. Maybe that's what happened with him, who knows? He also got all his measurements done again, even though he had just had them done a week ago at the last dr. appointment. I didn't expect too much of a change in one week, but I guess I underestimated my son! In one week, he gained almost a whole pound, which now puts him at 19.5 lbs! His length is still 67 cm (26.5 in) and his head circumference 43 cm. The doctor didn't tell us the percentages but I looked them up on the internet and that puts him at 97%, 82%, and 64%, respectively. In other words: really fat, pretty tall, and a normal-sized head. Hey, as long as he's healthy and happy, I'll take it!

Early evidence of genius?

2006-04-02T12:12:00.000+02:00

As of Sunday morning, Zach has two new accomplishments to report. First, he has officially become a two-way roller! Over the past couple of days he has been virtually addicted to trying to roll from his back to his tummy. Every time we put him on his back he would start kicking up his legs and craning his head to the left as... far... as... it... could... possibly... go. He was even trying to turn over while sitting in his car seat! (I think he's starting to get that it doesn't really work that way.) By the end of the day on Saturday, you could tell he was pretty tired and didn't really want to be doing it anymore but he just couldn't stop himself! The expression on his little face said it all: "MUST --- TURN --- OVER!" Well, Sunday morning he finally did it! And it wasn't just an almost roll, according to his dad who was the one who actually witnessed it; he started flat on his back and ended up on his tummy with head lifted high and arms propped up under him and everything. What agility! What determination! What talent!

Second thing to report: Zach has officially left the ranks of the toothless and is now sporting a beautiful, if tiny, pearly white on his lower gum. (The waterfall of drool in the picture above testifies to the fact that teething season has officially begun here in the Holmlund household.) The tooth had been visible just under the gum for several days, so I wasn't really positive that it had actually broken through until I tried the test that Jeannine told me about: tapping the back of a spoon against the gum to see if I could hear a clink. And clink it did! It's a sharp little thing, to be sure, but we think it's the cutest little tooth in the world. (If Zach ever lets me open his mouth long enough to take a picture of it, I'll be sure to post it!) In addition to just wanting to see the tooth, I was also really excited for it to come through thinking that might mean a reprieve in the crankiness of the past couple weeks. Silly first-time mom! He's still gnawing his knuckles as much as ever and drooling like his life depends on it. 1 down, 19 more to go. Sigh.

On Tuesday, we go for Zach's first round of shots and I am NOT looking forward to it. (Happily, Zach has no idea what's coming so only one of us has to be nervous.) Then on Wednesday, we're celebrating Auntie Emilie's birthday! Since her birthday will, of course, be celebrated around the world, we agreed to head up the festivities here in Germany. Expect lots of sausage, some Black Forest Cake and an international phone call or two. :)

Two men and...

2006-03-30T22:24:00.000+02:00

"Two men and their matching socks"

Traveling Man

2006-03-30T21:24:00.000+02:00

As the song goes, Zach was certainly born a traveling man, for better or worse. Before he turns six months old, he will have already spent time in 4 different countries -- Germany, the Netherlands, Sweden, and the good ol' US of A -- and traveled by plane, train, and automobile. (I wonder what other modes of transportation we can employ for him ... horseback? rickshaw?) Even though it's still a couple months away, I've been quite nervous about how he would do on the flights back to Grand Rapids, but I feel a lot better about it after today's trip to Bremen. To my surprise, he traveled like a champ! (This picture of him in his stroller was actually taken by Crazy Aunt Lisa on an earlier trip to Gronigen, but it still applies, I think.) He did great for the three hours of train travel for which he was awake and still got all his normal naps in his stroller while we wheeled him all over Bremen. I think the thing I was most concerned about, though, was the possibility of a breakdown from overstimulation by the end of the day, but it never happened! Praise the Lord! I think he is finally getting old enough that he can take in all sorts of new sights, sounds, and smells without it just being totally overwhelming to him. He is still incredibly sensitive to all sorts of stimuli -- the air brake on the train made him jump every time! -- but he's learning how to deal with it and I am so relieved.

Along the same lines, I also had my eyes opened today to the advantages of having such a hyper-alert baby. On the train ride back to Emden, we sat for part of the time across the aisle from another couple with a baby a bit older than Zach and I have never seen such a laid-back baby in my entire life. He just lay in his father's arms the whole time, even when he was awake. Just lay there, literally. At first I thought about how nice it must be to have such a calm baby. Zach will only lay back in my arms when he's eating. At all other times, he has to be leaning forward or at least sitting upright. But then when we took him across the aisle so that the two babies could get a better look at each other, I was surprised to see that although Zach zeroed in on the other baby right away and looked directly at him and each of his parents, the other little boy couldn't focus on anything at all and didn't really do anything except, well, just lay there. His parents kept trying to get him to look at Zach, but he just didn't notice him. That made me really thankful to have a baby who is so observant of the world around him, even if it does mean that he gets overwhelmed rather easily. Boy, I sure do love our little guy!

A-OK

2006-03-28T13:31:00.000+02:00

Well, we went back to the doctor's office today for our follow-up visit and the bottom line is that the doctor is not at all worried about Zach not getting enough to eat since he is such a big baby: 97th percentile in weight and not far behind in length. In fact, if there is any concern for worry, according to the doctor, it is that he might be a little bit TOO fat. Right now he is still in the safe zone for the height-length ratio, but he is getting close to crossing the border into "danger zone" apparently. The doctor thinks his not wanting to eat might just be his way of trying to cool it on the calories for now. In fact, he even suggested sometimes giving him tea to drink instead of formula! I'm not sure I'm ready to go there, though.

On Thursday, we're planning to take our fat baby to Bremen to file the "Consular Report of Birth Abroad" and to get him a passport and Social Security number. I wish that I could post his passport photo but unfortunately, we didn't get it in digital format. Take my word for it, though; it's cute. (Perhaps not quite as cute as the picture to the left, though!)

Two men and a...

2006-03-24T16:28:00.000+01:00

"Two men and a remote"
"Two men and a hat"
"Two men and a pillow"
"Two men and some lady"

Ups and Downs

2006-03-24T15:28:00.000+01:00

This week has been full of frustrations and joys all wrapped up together. First, about one week ago Zach started refusing to nurse entirely unless he was really sleepy (like in the middle of the night). We were both frustrated! He was in tears and I was pretty close most of the time. I was pretty sad about it but I figured that the important thing was that he continue to eat which he was doing just fine when I gave him a bottle. But then a couple days later, he started having real trouble with his bottle, too. He would only eat a little at a time before turning away and everytime I tried to offer it to him again he would suck for a while and then start crying. The only time he will eat normally is when he is really sleepy like right before or after a nap or in the middle of the night. And you know what that means... so long to thoughts of sleeping through the night, for now!

I'm much sadder than I thought I would be to give up nursing. After all, it has at times been a major source of frustration. Mostly I think I'm disappointed because it seemed like after all the hard work of trying to increase my milk supply, things were just starting to come together and I really thought I might be able to give up supplementing with formula altogether. But I guess it just was not meant to be. I'm glad that he can still get all the nutrients he needs through formula, though.

And at least we don't have any concerns currently about his weight gain! I did finally decide to go to the doctor yesterday just to rule out the possiblity of an ear infection, etc., and when they weighed him there, he turned out to be 8.42 kg or about 18 lbs. 8 oz. He is certainly a big boy for only 3 1/2 months old! His length is almost 27 inches and his head circumference was 42 cm (I forget what that is in inches). On the length to weight ratio, he is a little bit heavier than he needs to be for his height :) but I personally think that's just fine. Anyway, the doctor said not to worry about him eating less here and there since he's got a little "extra" on him. In the meantime, he asked me to keep a log of everything he eats and under what circumstances over the next 4 days and we'll go back on Tuesday to re-evaluate the situation.

A much happier development is that today, Zach laughed a real laugh for the very first time! He had been doing this Beavis & Butthead kind of "heh, heh, heh" thing for a little while but today I got a real laugh! And of all times and places, it came when I was changing his poopy diaper. I guess he finds getting his little butt wiped while I hold his ankles high up in the air pretty funny. :) After a difficult few days, it was so nice to have something to get really excited about!

He's also really starting to be able to sit on his own, although I know it's still early for that. The doctor did keep commenting on how strong he is, though, and he did roll over pretty early so maybe it's not so strange to think that he could be an early sitter. And call me crazy (you will in a second when you read this) but I swear that today when he was on his tummy he came pretty close to crawling! Well, not really crawling... more like scooching. He raised his chest up on his arms and started moving his knees in a coordinated, crawling motion. Okay, he didn't actually move or anything but I was still impressed! So he doesn't eat and he won't nap for longer than 30 minutes, but he is still pretty active. I guess there can't be too much wrong with him. :)

This blog is just an excuse...

2006-03-18T16:52:00.000+01:00

... for pictures, of course!

Inquisitive: "What an interesting point, Mommy. Do you really think so?"

Haughty: "And what will we be having for dinner tonight, Jeeves?"

Seriously Unhappy: "I can't stand that North Carolina team!"

Modest: "I'm not really the cutest baby in the WHOLE world. You're too much!"

Helpless: "Too many kisses! Somebody help!"

Feeling fashionable: "Bet you wish you had one of these, too."

In recent news

2006-03-16T09:27:00.000+01:00

Ever since Crazy Aunt Lisa got here, it feels like we have been going, going, going. What a fun change of pace. On Tuesday, we borrowed a car and drove across the border to Groningen, a very hip city in the Netherlands about an hour away. We spent the day looking in shops, visiting the markets, and basically eating our way around town. Zach did really well considering that it was a LOT more stimulation than he gets in a normal day. The weather was not too cold, somewhere around freezing, but the sun was out and he stayed all bundled up in his stroller so he was fine (even though I, of course, worried the whole time). The only time he got pretty fussy was on the car ride back to Emden. We stopped and I tried to feed him but he wouldn't nurse. He also didn't seem very tired so I tried to distract him with toys for a while. I think he just needed to cry a little to work the stress of the day out of his system. Even though he'd gotten quite a long nap in the stroller, he konked out before 7pm.

Then yesterday afternoon I left the baby with Dave while our friend Ana Bela took Lisa and I shopping in a nearby city. It was the longest I'd ever been away from the baby and although it was hard to totally relax, we had a lot of fun... and the baby was just fine (Dave, too).

Here are some of the latest favorite pics!

Reality check

2006-03-11T17:33:00.000+01:00

Some days, the stress of taking care of a little baby is just so overwhelming. Today is one of those days. I get so focused on the little details of the day -- how long Zach had to cry before finally falling asleep for his early afternoon nap; how much he spit up after his 3:00 feeding; if the red bumps on his face are a rash or just a passing case of baby acne. I love him so much that it makes my eyes water and my nose tingle when I stop to think about it, but there are times when I just want to scream from the constant, constant anxiety. That's just the reality of motherhood, for me at least.

But there is another reality that I want to work harder to focus on, and that is the sheer wonder of what is unfolding before my very eyes. A person is being made. I don't know how else to put it. To think that just three short months ago, Zach was taking his first-ever breath, opening his eyes for the first time and seeing our faces, feeling something other than amniotic fluid against his skin. It's no wonder that newborn babies cry so much. That's a lot to take in all at one time. Yet in these three short months, Zach has learned so much. He can distinguish street sounds from sounds that are close to him. With his facial expressions, he can tell us that he's scared, surprised, happy, excited. When he hears his Daddy's voice, he turns his head to try to find him. Just like Pinocchio, Zach is a "real boy"! In those moments when I feel impatient for him to be able to do more, I need to take a step back and think about how much more he can do than even just a few weeks ago, a few days ago.

How can one job be both so stressful and yet so wondrous all at the same time?

Three Months!

2006-03-09T09:10:00.000+01:00

As I think about the fact that it has been exactly three months since we held and kissed our little bear for the very first time, the overwhelming feeling is relief. Whew, we made it. We managed to keep him alive. And then when I think about the fact that he's not only alive, but healthy, fat, and working on learning new skills all the time, I am frankly pretty amazed... and grateful. I'm especially grateful to all the people who helped these amateur parents with questions ranging from "is his poop to watery?" to "what's the best way to get all this poop off him?" to "is his poop supposed to smell like this?" Just kidding; not all the questions had to do with that lovely topic. Seriously, though, I cannot imagine how we would've survived without my parents and sister being here to help for almost the entire first month, and then Dave's parents coming out for Weeks 7-8 and, of course, the many, many helpful emails that people sent either to answer specific questions or just to say, "hang in there." It really does take a village, as they say, and I'm just so glad that our village has been willing to travel/communicate over thousands of miles in order to help us. Thank you all!

Speaking of visitors, Zach's Crazy Aunt Lisa will be coming out here for her first in-person visit in just a few more days and we are excited, excited, excited! "Zach," I say, "only 6 more days until Crazy Aunt Lisa gets here!" and he responds by flailing his little arms and legs as fast as he possibly can. Of course this is also his response to, "Zach, time to change your diaper!" and "Zach, why does Mommy feel so tired today?" (The key is just to say everything with super wide eyes and a big, loony smile.)

In celebration of three months, Zach decided to give himself a big self-inflicted scratch on his cheek (as pictured). I didn't swaddle him when I put him back to sleep after his 3:30am feeding last night, thinking that he might be ready to sleep without being straight-jacketed. I thought wrong. Those insanely active arms of his managed not only to do this but to keep him up for a while, too. So, the swaddling continues! He's also only been taking 30-minute naps again, no matter what I do to try to get him to go back to sleep. Yet he doesn't seem particularly cranky by the end of the day, so I guess this might be all the daytime sleep that he needs. Oh how I miss the 2-hour afternoon nap when I was actually able to get a few things (okay, a couple... okay, one) done. A woman from the library here keeps saying that the fact he naps so little means he's smart, and even though I'm not sure whether or not to believe it, it's about my only comfort right now so I'm hanging on to it!

Stop, Drop, ROLL!

2006-03-05T19:32:00.000+01:00

"Why do these people always make me lie on my tummy? If only I could somehow get on to my back again!"

"Hey, wait, what's happening?"

"Ahhhh, this is much better..."

Our boy can roll over! At just under 3 months old, we are amazed and so very proud. (If we get so excited over this sort of thing, wonder how we'll feel when he graduates from college!) He was laying on his tummy this evening, "enjoying" a little tummy-time (the quotes are because he normally hates it), when he started kind of lilting to his left. Then, he lilted a little more... and a little more... and before we knew it, he had turned over on to his back! It was so smooth and gradual that it was almost like he meant to do it, although I kind of don't think he did. After applauding and making all sorts of happy, congratulatory noises for a while, we then put him back on his stomach and were SO surprised when just a few seconds later, he did it again! Dare we see if he would do it a third time?! We did dare, but by then, he was pretty tired and only managed to make it halfway so that he ended up in a kind of twisted position. This was pretty scary to him so he had to cry for a little while, but who can blame him? Can't wait to see if he'll do it again tomorrow!

Sleep-talk

2006-03-03T14:19:00.000+01:00

Here's an entry from Zach himself:
Last night, I slept from 11:00pm - 5:30am without waking up a single time! Boy, mommy looks so much better in the morning when she's gotten that much consecutive sleep. After I ate, I went right back to sleep until 7:15am and I felt just great when I woke up. I wanted everyone to know how good I felt so I smiled and smiled at everything I saw: my toy cat, Mommy and Daddy, the gauze thing that goes around my bassinet, the side of my bassinet, my hands, my blankets... everything! It sure felt good to get a good night's sleep. Mommy should really try it sometime instead of waking up every two hours to look in on me and make sure that I'm still breathing. (She thinks I don't know that she does this but I do.)

Taking naps on the other hand can be a real drag. I really prefer not to do it unless I can be sleeping on someone's chest/shoulder or be kept in perpetual motion like in the stroller. Is that really so much to ask? My parents keep trying to put me down for naps in my bassinet, but after half an hour I wake up and tell them, "I don't think so!" Sometimes, Mommy tricks me and I wake up on my tummy even though when I fell asleep I was on her shoulder. This does not please me, Mommy! (Don't worry, I always let her know.)

As of today, I have a new bed to sleep in! I was getting so long that my feet didn't have anywhere else to go in my old bassinet, so a very, very nice man from church bought me a brand-new crib! Mommy and Daddy were so surprised when he brought it over after they happened to mention that I might need one soon. They thought he might help them to borrow one, but instead he went out and bought one for me. Can you believe it? Here's a picture. Now I've got all the room I need to grow.

Better than sugar and spice...

2006-03-03T09:39:00.000+01:00

One of the greatest joys of having a baby has got to be the process of discovering which parts he got from whom. (I realize that adoptive parents don't usually get to do this, but then again, if the baby's really not very attractive, at least they don't have only themselves to blame!) We love to look at Zach and try to identify the lineage of all his different precious parts. For example, one of the most obvious is his eyebrows; those came directly from his Aunt Linnea. Clearly the stork made a pit stop at her house in Denver to pick up some eyebrow genes before delivering him to us here in Germany. His ankles, we're fairly certain, are from my Nai Nai (my paternal grandmother and Zach's great-grandmother). The nose has been obvious from Day 1 -- no, Hour 1. It is an exact replica of his Lau Lau's (my mother and his maternal grandmother), although she insists that his nose bridge is higher. The eyes are his mommy's; the face shape seems to be his dad's. Things that are still a mystery: 1) his ears - not tiny enough to be his dad's but not quite big enough to be his mom's; 2) his hair color - initially kind of blonde-red-brown, but now just sort of a light brown so probably a combination of both sides; 3) the adorable little mouth with the bottom lip that stayed completely tucked under the top one for the first 3 or 4 days of his life so that he looked perpetually pensive. No matter where all the precious parts come from, though, we sure do love them!

What's for dinner, mom?

2006-02-28T21:20:00.000+01:00

Here's a picture of the munchkin in what can only be described as a milk coma. He often winds up in this state after nursing and I never really know if I should wake him up right away or just let him sleep for a while (it never lasts more than 10 minutes anyway). He's been getting a bottle of supplemental formula at pretty much every feeding since he was one week old (he wasn't gaining weight with breastfeeding alone), but lately I've been wondering if he always needs it since he often does seem pretty content after nursing (see picture). But since I'm a paranoid mom, I still offer it to him. Sometimes he doesn't want it at all, but sometimes he'll drink up to 3 oz. Lately I've been thinking A LOT about whether or not to try to wean him off the supplemental formula. I really appreciate the sense of security it gives me; I know for sure that he's getting calories this way and will continue to gain weight. But it would be a lot simpler for both of us if I didn't have to make 7-8 bottles a day in addition to breastfeeding. I don't know; I just see so many pros and cons for both options, either going to all breastfeeding or all formula, that I wind up doing nothing except worry that I should be doing something.

Before I became a mom, I don't think I would've really understood why this kind of dilemma would be such a big deal. Formula vs. breastmilk, I mean, how different are they really? Besides, I was a formula baby and I turned out just fine (at least according to some). But it IS a big deal to me now because in these early months, before you have to start worrying about things like your baby putting floor bits in his mouth or teaching him to obey you, making sure that he is eating what's best for him and growing is THE big issue. I am by no means some sort of a "lactivist" (lactation-activist, for those who don't deal in these issues all the time). In fact, I read something yesterday about a woman who was still breastfeeding her 9 year old daughter (in public, no less) and was more than a little grossed out. But I guess I do want to be able to breastfeed exclusively if at all possible and if I can do it without turning into a crazy woman. (In the early going, I was pumping after every feeding and it nearly drove me off the edge.) Because formula + sanity is better than breastmilk + lunacy. More updates on this issue to come, I'm sure.

Winter Blessings and Curses

2006-02-28T10:01:00.000+01:00

I've been getting so tired of winter lately that all I can talk about (besides the baby, of course) is when spring is going to get here. I keep asking people all sorts of spring-related questions like, "when do the daffodils bloom?" and "are there any special spring festivals held in Emden?" and "when will the sun come out again?" But yesterday it snowed and I was reminded of how peaceful and bright snow can make a place feel, especially when the sun shines, too. Zach and I took a long walk in the park because it was pretty warm out (above freezing) and it's just good to get out of the apartment everyday and get some fresh air. He absolutely HATES being put in the stroller and always cries like we're abandoning him or something, but once we've walked a little ways he usually falls asleep from the motion. Anyway, it was just a good reminder to me that there is always something for which to be thankful if you just think about it for a second.

This picture doesn't have anything to do with the snow, but it's cute.

You want me to wear what?

2006-02-27T20:36:00.000+01:00

This expression is just too precious not to post. Thanks to Zach's Grandma Becky and Grandpa Bill for capturing it! Can you think of other captions to put under it?

Thoughts on Thirty

2006-02-24T20:25:00.000+01:00

This week I turned thirty years old. My advice to anyone who's dreading saying farewell to the carefree days of the 20s and hello to the grown-up responsibilities of the 30s: have a baby a couple months before and you'll barely even notice your birthday! That was my experience, anyway. In fact, the day could probably have been just like every other except that my wonderful husband sent an email to lots of other wonderful friends and family and as a result, I heard from lots of different people and felt very loved and remembered. Thanks, everyone!

In a way, I was kind of relieved finally to be 30. This motherhood thing has been so fraught with insecurities for me so far that I feel like at least I can say I'm old enough to be a mom. If I were in my early 20s, for example, I think I would feel even more insecure (although I know plenty of great moms who had their first child at that age). The point is, I'm 30 and I'm glad. The past 30 years have been full of so many blessings, one of the greatest of which arrived in our lives just a few short months ago. God has been so good.

I see you!

2006-02-24T19:51:00.000+01:00

Sometimes when you see someone everyday you don't notice the changes in him because they are so gradual. That's why it hit me like a ton of bricks recently that Zach is so much more alert and observant than he was a few weeks ago, it's almost like he's a different little person! All of a sudden he seems to be seeing so much more of the world around him, so much more than I see in a way. For example, I was sitting facing him the other morning and started waving my fingers at him. He seemed to think this was kind of interesting so I kept on doing it... for 15 minutes! He just didn't seem to get tired of it. And the other afternoon, I was so exhausted from being up in the night with him and from cumulative sleep deprivation in general that I decided to just put him in his bassinet to look at this stuffed animal cat that hangs over it while I lay down next to him, and, would you believe it, he didn't make a peep for 20 minutes! When I first put him down, he started staring at the cat and when I went to get him back up, he was still staring at the cat. Do all babies have such amazing powers of observation?

Even though we definitely still have our tough moments (and tough days when several of those moments happen to occur in a 24-hour period), things are starting to feel a little easier, just like everyone said they would. This was really confirmed to me when I had my first positive dream involving Zach the other night! Not only did it NOT involve me forgetting to feed him or some bodily harm coming to him, I dreamed that he became a super happy baby who never cried and smiled all the time! Who knows, maybe this dream will come true.

Superpowers

2006-02-18T21:29:00.000+01:00

I used to think that if I could have any superpower in the world, I would want to be able to fly or speak every language or something generic and obvious like that. Since Zach was born, I've changed my mind. If I could have any superpower in the world now, I would choose the ability to stop babies from crying. Wherever I went and heard a crying baby, I would be able to twitch my nose or point my finger and that baby would instantly be transformed into a happy, smiley little cherub. I know that crying is actually really important because that's how big people know when to do something to help the little people we love, but sometimes, it's just so heartbreaking. I can handle the normal fussing and crying because of boredom or hunger (although I don't like it much) but it's the inconsolable crying that feels like someone has ripped my heart out and is trying to twist it to pieces. When Zach was about 4 weeks old, he started having these kinds of crying meltdowns almost every evening that would finally end with him falling asleep from absolute exhaustion. Thankfully, as he gets older these are happening a lot less often, but I still live in fear of them. I think this has been one of the biggest surprises of motherhood for me: how incredibly painful and distressing it is to listen to your baby cry and not know how to help him. I've babysat other people's kids and found their crying stressful, sure, but it's a completely different experience when it is your own baby and you feel like every minute of the meltdown is an indictment against your mothering abilities! "Babies just need to cry sometimes," is what others keep telling me, and although I think this is probably true, it's not always much of a comfort.

My low tolerance for Zach's crying has shown me that there is a very strong impulse in me that wants him never to have to experience a moment of pain. At the same time, there is another voice in my head that says that, when he is a little older, I will need to let him experience pain so that he can learn from it. I pray that God would give Dave and me all the wisdom we need to negotiate some of these murky parenting waters ahead.

Who is that handsome baby?

2006-02-18T13:07:00.000+01:00

Like many babies his age, Zach really likes looking into mirrors right now. We have one in the hall that we spend at least 30 minutes a day in front of. He just can't get enough of that handsome guy starting back at him! (Little does he know, it's him!) He also has a toy with a mirrored bottom on his baby gym - thanks Auntie Em! - and he follows that thing wherever I move it. He is becoming so much more observant these days, in general, which is lots of fun for him and for us.

He is also getting really good at the cooing game; he coos and we try to imitate him and coo back. It almost feels like having a real conversation. (How real it feels depends on how desperate I am for conversation!)

A visit to the art museum... or maybe not

2006-02-17T17:25:00.000+01:00

Today our friend Jeannine from South Africa called to ask if Zach and I might like to visit the local art museum (the Emden Kunsthalle) with her and her three boys (one of whom is also named Zach!). It was so nice of her to think of us and I readily agreed, thinking that Zach could take his late morning nap in the stroller while we walked around. This was in theory a good plan, but I made the mistake of first taking him over to the library for 10:30am tea with the library staff and Dave before he was asleep, even though I knew he was tired. After some fussing in the library, he did eventually fall asleep in the stroller and we then walked over to the museum. About ten minutes after we got there, however, he woke up again and there was no going back to sleep. Of course, I didn't know that until after he had been crying his poor little eyes out for 30 minutes while I tried to hide with him in the coat area so that we wouldn't disturb everyone in the museum (it's a very small museum). I finally decided to give up and head home with him, even though Jeannine had already generously bought my ticket. It was a rather stressful morning.

I think this must be a dilemma faced by a lot of new moms who lack the confidence that comes with experience: how long to keep trying to calm down your crying infant in a public place and when to just call it quits and hit the road. Since Zach and I don't really have that many places to go here in town (the lack of a car and many friends sees to that), I don't face this situation all that often but when I do, I often find myself feeling paralyzed by indecision! I will get better at this mothering business the longer I do it, right?

Zach is growing so quickly that lately it has become a race to get him into his many 3-6 mos. oufits at least a few times before he completely outgrows them! (The picture is of him in one of those outfits from a couple weeks ago.) I don't know if he had a huge growth spurt or what recently, but it's as if he jumped straight from 0-3 mos. clothes to 6+ mos. clothes. At his doctor's appt. on Monday (he's got a cold right now), he weighed over 15 lbs which represents a weight gain of about 1 lb/week over the last month. Not that I'm actually worried or anything, but does that seem a little excessive to anyone else?

Introducing...

2006-02-16T21:30:00.000+01:00

It's 9:31 pm here in Germany, officially one minute past my bedtime and I am obviously not in bed. Zach, on the other hand, is, which makes us all very happy. Dave and I have just been debating the pros and cons of starting this blog. Apparently, the pros won. I had to promise him, though, that I would not be a perfectionist about it.

I've actually been thinking about starting this blog for a couple of weeks now. This may come as a surprise to those who know me well since I often find it difficult to disclose information about myself without being asked specific questions. I've also been a bit skeptical about the whole idea of blogging ever since the first time I heard about it. It just struck me as a bit too detached from real life relationships. This has all changed, however, for three reasons. One, I became a mother to Zechariah Augustine Kao Holmlund a couple of months ago and as such, I now find it quite easy to talk on and on about my precious son without any prompting whatsoever. And two, I am currently living in a foreign country, the language of which I don't speak very well, and thus don't have many so-called real life relationships in my present locale. This blog is meant to be a way of keeping up with those friends and family at home with whom I do not get to talk nearly as often as I'd like. Finally, since becoming a mom and because I am far from home, I have started reading a couple of other new mom blogs rather religiously and have found them to be a great source of encouragement. (Check out Tending Violet on babycenter.com; Bashas Life, a great blog by the sister of Dave's good friend Eric; and This Side of Heaven, the blog of my dear friend Lisa!) I am under no illusion that this blog will necessarily be that to someone else but since they've been fun to read, I figured it might be fun to write one, too.

All right, enough about me! Here is my latest favorite picture of our little man.